


Evil Dead Galactica

by cannibalcake



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Crack, Evil Dead tribute, F/F, Humor, Very mean to Lee and Helo, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 18:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2478899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cannibalcake/pseuds/cannibalcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura Roslin and Kara Thrace have to rid the ship of Kandarian Demon Zombies!  And maybe they'll have some time to make out a little.  Will be most appreciated by (original trilogy) Evil Dead fans, but you don't have to have seen the movies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Evil Dead Galactica

"Oh gods," Laura Roslin moaned as she felt Kara Thrace's warm tongue parting her slick folds, pushing inside of her. "Oooohhhh...mmmm," Laura continued incoherently as the viper pilot licked, moving closer and closer to Laura's clit. Laura could tell that she was not the only one enjoying herself, as she realized not all the moans filling the otherwise unoccupied raptor were her own. Funny, but they didn't sound muffled at all. She tilted her head forward to glance at her busy lover when a large figure caught her eye.

"UUUHHH!" Laura heard again and saw that the sounds were not coming from the blonde between her legs, but instead from the somewhat stiff form awkwardly rising from the floor.

"What the frak!"

"What?" Kara’s head snapped up, panicked. She looked up to see the President staring over her shoulder and turned to follow Laura's gaze to..."Chief?"

"UUUHHH!" was the Chief's only response.

"That's not Chief Tyrol, Kara, that's a frakking zombie! Shoot it in the head!" Laura screamed.

Kara, somewhat overwhelmed at the situation, now that the allegedly undead deck chief seemed to be advancing toward them, made a quick decision to obey the order from the President. She grabbed her sidearm and fired two shots into Galen Tyrol's head, causing a smattering of brain bits and blood to sprinkle the surroundings.

There was a minute of silence as both women attempted to process the strange event. Finally Laura stood and pulled her skirt back down to cover herself as she spoke. "We'd better find the Admiral. There's most likely more where he came from. I've never heard of a lone zombie before," she said in her ‘Presidential tone’ while she finished buttoning her blouse.

Kara looked at her incredulously. "What...how...how do you know all this?"

"I wrote my college thesis on zombies," replied Laura plainly, moving toward the door of the raptor. Kara decided not to comment further as she opened the door and helped the other woman onto the empty hangar deck. On approach to Galactica’s hallway, Kara grasped her sidearm, unsure of what might await them in the diminished light.

As they stepped into the hall they were greeted by echoing screams and inhuman groans.

"Zombie! Four o'clock!" Laura yelled. Kara turned and shot, hitting one of the Chief's knuckledraggers in the chest. The reanimated mechanic staggered back a bit before continuing forward. "In the head!" Laura shouted. "You have to get them in the head!" Kara shot again, this time hitting her target right between the eyes. The zombie fell backward into a pool of blood.

"It's damned convenient that you know about this stuff," Kara breathed.

"It's damned convenient that you decided to bring your firearm to a sexual encounter," Laura replied.

They continued through the corridor, stepping over various dismembered body parts. Laura was careful not to slip on the internal fluids coating the floor with her heels. Kara took out two more living dead easily. Laura eyed her work, "You're not too bad at this.”

She gave Laura a cocky smile. "Good...bad...I'm the dyke with the gun," she replied. Just as the President was about to respond, they heard another loud groan.

"UUUHHH!" moaned their newest visitor.

"Apollo!" Laura exclaimed as Lee stumbled toward them continuing his groans. Without hesitation, Starbuck put two rounds right into his head.

"Um..." Laura began, "he wasn't a zombie, Kara. He was just being emo…"

"Whoops," replied Starbuck flatly.

Laura shrugged and stepped over the former Major.

 

The pair finally reached Admiral Adama’s quarters. At least a dozen zombies spotted them on rounding the nearest corner and started to head towards the frightened pair. Kara and Laura banged on Adama’s door frantically. Luckily, he opened it just in time to usher them inside – where they were greeted by the Cylon, Sharon Valeri.

"Thank the gods, you two are OK," Adama said as he secured the door shut with his left hand. The right one, the women noticed, had been replaced by a large bandage. Just as the president was about to inquire after the missing appendage, she was interrupted by a low, distorted voice that seemed to be coming from the floor.

"Join us. Joooooiiiin uuuuussssss."

"Shut up, Saul!" Adama yelled, stomping on the floor.

Kara stared at the floor, "What the frak was that?"

"That was Tigh," answered Sharon, stamping out another moan. "We managed to chain him up in a compartment below these quarters." She pointed to a trap door in the floor that indeed seemed to be secured by chains.

"I wouldn't go near there if I were you," said Adama. "The door won't shut completely. The chains keep him in, but they don’t stop him reaching out."

Laura couldn’t help staring at the Admiral’s arm, "What happened to your hand?”

"Turned evil," he responded flatly. "Had to cut it off. Unfortunately, it seems to have run off – I haven't seen it since."

"It just, ran off?" Swallowed Kara.

"That's what I said.”

"Never mind that," Laura said impatiently. "Do you know where the Necronomicon is?"

"Necronomicon?"

"Necronomicon ex Mortis," Laura explained, "The Book of the Dead, bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. Judging from the elongated chins of these zombies, they appear to be Kandarian demon zombies, which means someone has been reading from the Necronomicon."

"She wrote her college thesis on zombies," Kara added in response to the stunned faces of the Admiral and the Cylon.

"So?" Laura prompted when Adama continued to stare at her in shock. She gave him her sternest ‘teacher glare’ before asking again. "Do you know anything about the Necronomicon?"

"It was me," Sharon confessed, producing the book in question from behind her. "I swear I had no idea this would happen. I'd never even heard of a Kandarian demon!"

Seeing the look on the President's face, Adama stepped in. "I believe her Laura. It's my fault really. I got the book back on Gemenon a while ago, when I was collecting first editions. If I had known the nature of it, I obviously wouldn't have given it to anyone."

Laura swallowed her anger and irritation and took the book from Sharon. Kara moved closer to get a better view as Laura flipped through the pages. While the President was looking at a particularly relevant page, she felt Kara's hand moving up the back of her thigh, reminding her that she had forgotten to retrieve her underwear from the raptor. "Kara!" she whispered harshly, "this is neither the time nor the place!"

"What?" Kara whispered back. "I'm not doing anything!"

Laura looked at the pilot to see her hands by her side. An ugly realization came over her. "UUGH!" she spat out, grabbing Bill Adama's rogue hand from under her skirt. She held it firmly as it struggled and tossed it into the air in disgust. Kara, thinking quickly, drew her gun and shot Adama's evil hand in mid-flight. It fell limply on the ground.

Sharon stumbled back a few paces as she watched the hand fall, failing to notice the trap door at her feet. Before she could move forward again, zombie Tigh's arm shot out from through the chains underneath the door, wielding a pencil, which he embedded deep into the Cylon's ankle. "AAARRRRGGGHHH!" screamed Sharon in pain as she fell forward to the ground.

Tigh put as much of his distorted and now somewhat decayed face through the small opening allowed by the chains and began cackling maniacally while Sharon clutched her bleeding ankle in agony. "I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!" he shrieked repeatedly.

"Swallow THIS!" bellowed Adama as he leapt forward, landing directly atop the door. The force of his landing was enough to pop Saul's remaining eye straight from its socket, shooting it across the room, only just missing Kara and hitting the wall behind her with a resounding splat. Satisfied that zombie Tigh wasn't going to cause anymore trouble, Adama hurried off the door to a safe distance. He approached Kara, who was assisting Sharon with her ankle.

"I don't understand," Kara began in between Sharon's wails of agony. "Why is it that zombie Tigh can talk and the others just groan?"

"Kandarian demon zombies are pretty inconsistent like that," Laura answered. "Besides, you didn't exactly give the others much time to speak," she added with a wink. The president ran her finger down over the text of the book. "I think I've found what I need," she announced to the room. "I've found the passages that will concentrate the evil into a single host, creating an indestructible super zombie."

"Why the frak would we want to do that?" Sharon yelled, flinching in pain.

"So I can put it out the airlock, of course," Laura replied in an almost mockingly slow tone.

"A single host?" Adama confirmed. "What exactly does that mean? Who do we pick to be said host?"

Laura sighed, "That's the only part I'm not sure of. It's a very old book, and that part is too worn for me to read. All I can make out is what would loosely be translated as 'blank slate,' and that could mean anything. I just don't see that we have any alternative, Bill."

The Admiral pondered their situation for a moment before he spoke. "I agree," he said, "But how are we going to get this thing out the airlock?"

"Well," Laura answered, "theoretically, once the passages are read, the indestructible super zombie will be drawn to the book as its source of power. So if I read the passages from the airlock, it should come to me. Captain Thrace, I'll need you to help me trap it."

"Of course, Madame President," Kara answered.

"What do you need me to do?" Adama asked, figuring that it might be a good idea to defer to the President’s command on matters concerning zombies.

"I need you to help provide cover to make sure we can get to that airlock," the President stated. "It's imperative that we get there. Do you think you can hold off the zombies for us?"

"Definitely, Madame President," he answered grabbing a large gun from beside him. "Sharon, are you going to be ok here?"

"Sure, I'll be fine, just get this damn thing off the ship!" She said between clenched teeth.

Kara moved toward the door with her gun drawn. "You got enough ammo?" Adama asked her.

She looked at the Admiral and rolled her eyes. "Of course," she said. Reaching for the door handle, she paused. "You two ready for this?" Laura nodded gravely, and Adama did the same. "OK, then. Let's go!" she finished, swinging the door open.

 

Immediately, she was greeted by two zombies gnawing on the remains of a body she recognized as Seelix. She shot them both in the head and gave the all clear sign for the other two to step through the threshold. The three made their way through the corridors, Adama and Kara taking out every living dead thing in sight, littering Galactica with twice-dead corpses. Finally they reached their destination.

"Airlock two is right through there.” Adama said, pointing toward a door. I'll do what I can to keep the rest away from here." He and Starbuck traded guns.

"Are you going to be all right?" asked Laura, concerned.

The Admiral looked the President straight in the eye and held up Kara’s sidearm. "Groovy," he responded, and turned to shoot two zombies rounding the corner. Laura smiled and she and Kara turned to continue their mission.

Once inside the room, Laura stepped into the airlock with the book. "You ready?"

"Go for it," Kara said encouragingly.

Laura opened the book and began the passage, "Nos-feratos-allo-memnon-kanda!" Laura took a long breath and finished, "Tar-tra Kanda-Estra! Kanda!" She and Kara looked at each other, both unsure of what to expect. 

Suddenly, they heard a crash of metal in the doorway. Turning, they saw Indestructible Super Zombie Helo. His large stature had been increased to almost twice his normal size, and he was advancing toward Laura at a more rapid pace than the other zombies seemed to manage. Kara moved out of the way as he entered the airlock. "Now?" she asked.

"Almost," said Laura, noticing that Helo's vacant grunts and groans were very reminiscent of the living human she had known. He was almost on top of her now. "NOW!" She yelled and ducked and rolled under Helo's legs as Kara blasted him in the head with the large gun. He staggered backward with a tremendous roar, giving Kara just enough time to pull Laura to safety and seal the airlock.

Laura looked at the imposing figure on the other side of the airlock, and then sheepishly back at Kara. Gesturing to Helo, she admitted, "I've always wanted to do this."

Kara smiled and pointed toward the button needing to be pressed. "I know," she told her. The President flashed a brilliant grin at her pilot as she reached out and jammed the button. The two watched in awe as the airlock slowly opened, sucking Indestructible Super Zombie Helo out into the vacuum of space. 

They silently regarded the empty room together for a moment before Laura turned to Kara and roughly wove her fingers through the blonde's hair. Her eyes twinkled as she commanded, "Gimme some sugar, baby!"

**Author's Note:**

> This was one of my very first fanfictions. Happy to give it a new home on AO3.


End file.
